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On Arguments in Healthy Relationships

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Anonymous asked: “Hiya Lizard! I’ve got an argument for two of my characters who are dating all sorted out but one of the big factors of the argument is one ignoring the other and I don’t know why. I don’t want it to be something abusive because they have a very healthy relationship so far.”

In my opinion, healthy relationships are shown less in what the argument is about but how the argument is handled. Do they talk it out? Do they respect each other?

Sure an abusive action could spur an argument, but if that’s not your intention, whatever spurred the argument can be almost anything. Maybe someone took marriage off the table. Maybe someone said something the other can’t ethically get behind. 

So, the big thing that I think tends to push into a gray area for a lot of people is when healthy, happy couples argue about things like sex. To be fair, abusive couple argue about sex too. We’ll keep this conversation, as safe for work as possible for all the readers at office jobs out there!  Little known fact, healthy, happy couples argue about sex all the time too, when they want it, how often, and even just what kinds of intimacy they are interested in sharing more of with their partner. The important thing is in how that kind of argument is handled. Is there a question of commitment to their relationship? Is there anger? How do they talk it out? 

In a healthy relationship, both parties trust each other. There’s a level of security and confidence. There is also a respect for each other and a motivation to work on their relationship and continue to grow together. If issues come up, they talk about them. Some conversations might be harder to have and that can lead to avoidance. You should know why that conversation is hard for the person avoiding the topic. It could information about a past relationship coming to light or an old fling with their partner’s nemesis. That can be a difficult topic to discuss and get over. It’s a situation where the past is uncomfortable, and can feel contradictory with the present. 

Whatever the argument it about, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is innately bad because they’re arguing. It might just be that they realize they want different things in life. If someone wants to live in California but the other can’t leave New York, that’s a hard difference. If their relationship is centered around trust and respect for each other, they will either sort it out or maturely decide that they can’t and break up. 

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